Olivier Lemasson "Pow Blop Wizz"

Olivier Lemasson "Pow Blop Wizz"
Price: $20
Region: Loire, France
Year: 2013
Retailer: DomaineLA

[movie trailer voice]
FROM THE PRODUCERS OF R-13
THE WINE THAT CHANGED LIVES FOREVER
COMES A ROSE PÉTILLANT
THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE 
AGAIN
OLIVIER LEMASSON PRESENTS:
"POW BLOP WIZZ"
A LIGHTLY EFFERVESCENT JOURNEY
INTO MOTHERFUCKIN DELICIOUSNESS

This wine couldn't be further from how deep and manly I wrote that, but the sentiment is the same. It's a summer blockbuster. But instead of Shia LaBeouf and some zombies, it's a Monster Rally song wrapped in sunshine and a gentle breeze of honeydew soda. It's light, and floral, with a little bit of Calgon nostalgia. I want to bathe in it and die in it and bathe in it, and then die in it all over again.

Or perhaps just float away on a lazy river for forever with endless bottles.

It tastes like the sparkling sweat of the freshest farmer's market strawberry making sweet, sweet love to a pack of Double Bubble in the first minute of it being chewed (because you know, Double Bubble is fatuously juicy at first, then dries up quicker than a vagina stuck at dinner with a staunchly scriptural Republican). 

I'm extremely tough on Rosés that sway sweet. And this one does, but its natural production funk balances it beautifully. The funk in this is very interesting because it is just faintly present, rather than being an outstanding quality. It's mostly on the finish, which is rather musky, but in a good way. I'm not sure you'd notice it unless you know Lemasson's other wines. Or, maybe I'm just immune to it.

Tasting Notes: Cab Franc/Grolleau blend. Fucking superb. Like I said. Honeydew soda breeze on the nose, sweet sweet beautiful HBO sex on the tongue. 

Ross Test: Just the best. The problem with bubbles is they are generally hard to chug, but these bubbles aren't aggressive. They're super friendly like, "HEY WE WANT TO BE IN YOUR MOUTH!" which is tight. And sexy. I'M CHUGGING TWO WHOLE GLASSES WORTH.

Kezako Cab Franc, Track Suits & Getting Older

Sebastien David "Kenzako" Cab Franc
Price: $31.99
Region: Loire, France
Year: 2012
Retailer: DomaineLA

Tomorrow is my birthday. This is the first year I'm not throwing myself a big birthday party, and it's something I am cool with. Usually I need a big birthday party because I have to feed the monster that those who are close to me know is my ego, but this year, I just don't care. Or I'm too tired to care. I can't tell. Too much work and wine and uppers in the last month to give much of a shit about anything besides chilling out.

Hence my new tracksuit look.
It's a new year and a new style, but still the same old, "YO THERE IS NOTHING THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN CHILLING COMFORTABLY TOPLESS WITH MY WINE." 

Shout out to my new sponsors, Adidas. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm still doing lunch tomorrow and dinner tomorrow and going to Napa for four days. But that's a very adult birthday. This is the most adult birthday I've had in my whole life, which makes sense since this is the most adult I've ever been.

And this is a very adult wine for me to just be chugging alone in a tracksuit. I mean, it was $31.99. I don't go around buying wines that expensive for every day chugging, but fuck it, I'm going to be old tomorrow so GOTTA LIVE IT UP. TITTIES OUT. CAB FRANC IN MY MOUTH.

I love this wine. It tastes like I'm an adult.
Which I am.
Officially.
[weeps]

I am cool with it, really. The other night after a lot of wine, weed and other things, I laid in bed on cloud nine, thinking about how I'm definitely the most stressed I've ever been, but I'm also the closet to getting what I want in life than I've ever been. And that's why getting older is pretty cool. Suddenly the things you have been working towards on are the horizon, and not just in your dreams.

And you have track suits.
And kinda expensive natural French wines.
And still write with pieces of your childhood stuffed rabbit clutched in your hands because no matter how many track suits you own or how many wines you drink you are still an emotionally stunted and scared human trying to make something of herself. Which is always good to know. 

Anyway, this wine is really good. Birthdays are cool. Adidas is tight, thanks for sending me dope shit. I love Bun-Bun (suck it, Dad, yeah I've still got it, nice try trying to get me to throw it out when I was 10 HA HAAAA!).

Time to clean my house and get back to work and forget that birthdays are even a thing because there's way too much other shit to deal with than me being a year older. HA HAAAAA CAUSE I'M SUCH A GOD DAMN ADULT I'M SUCH AN ADULT MAN IT'S CRAZY I'M SO ADULTISH THIS IS WHY ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS AND I'M LIKE WHYYYY LOL IT'S CAUSE I'M GOING TO BE OLD TOMORROW! AND NOT THIRTY OLD. I'M NOT THIRTY YET. JUST ALMOST. BUT I MEAN IT'S COOL. AND EVEN THIRTY IS GONNA BE COOL. EVERYTHING IS VERY COOL. WE'RE COOL. I'M COOL GUYS.

Alright I just expelled all my energy caring for five seconds and now I don't care again. 

Such an adult! 

Tasting Notes: This wine is so good. Very much worth $31.99. It's got that natty freshness ya'all know I can't get enough of. The color is a deepening purple, like a very dark sea. It smells like fresh blackberries, anise, and a little ashy. The palate is super refreshing and poppy, with lots of raspberry and pepper, and a hint of my own tears.

Ross Test: I Ross Tested HALF THE BOTTLE. I only got a glass because I was like, "Oh, it'd be irresponsible of me not to at least try it in a glass." Enough said.